One of My Greatest Learnings Over 65 Years.

(I have a lot of colleagues and acquaintances who cannot get this one, and I wish they would, but there is some built-in narrative that will not allow it. It saddens me about 93% of the time and is annoying as hell the other 7%.)

What to Do When You Eff Up

When you eff up, realize it as soon as possible. Be gently but firmly honest with yourself.

Suggested self-talk in these situations:

• “Dude (dude being yourself)—that was NOT a good look…you KNOW that, right?”
• “Man, did you really just say that?!?  Yeah, you did. Not a great decision…”
• “Man, there are a lot of ways you could have worded that, and you did NOT pick one of the great ones…”
• “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, Bro—was that the BEST thing you could come up with in that situation? Really? I don’t think so….”
• “C’mon, did that person really deserve that? Let me answer that for you—NO—they did not….It was about something else, and you let them have it—you know better than that…”
• “You KNOW better than to push “send” when you’re in a crappy mood—we’ve been over this, man…”
• “Don’t even START looking for somebody else to blame—you KNOW that is a chickens*** game—no Trump, no Mercury Retrograde, not “that Other One”—just stop. It’s yours. Own it.”

The Universe Tends to Be Forgiving

The world is an enormously forgiving place (in large part, anyway). We have all done thirty-seven thousand things we wish we had not done. THAT is not the question. The developmental task is to become PERSON enough to be able to say “Yeah, my bad. Sorry. Really.” You cannot fathom how many people cannot get to that point. You probably know 2 or 3 of them. Or a million.

Disarming/De-Fusing

Not that you DO it for this reason, but honesty, taking responsibility, is more-often-than-not very disarming. When you own that you effed up, people do not want to fight about it anymore. If they are of any caliber of high character, they will join you in going toward resolution, re-building the bridge, re-connecting. (If they keep pounding you for TOO long, delete them from your Existential Friends List post-haste—they are mistaking “taking responsibility” for “weakness”, and they may think they can deliver the haymaker when you are being vulnerable—They have no idea how wrong they are. Vulnerability is Strength. This is all part of how they are they are choosing to be stupid, for whatever reason, and they should not be let into your inner circles. Seriously. Give ‘em the bum’s rush until they can behave better…)

You Can’t Imagine How Good It Feels

Yes, you can. If you are reading this, you are already smart enough to get the message being sent here. No matter what the outcome, once you own your part, take responsibility, and set intentions to learn from it, not ONLY to yourself, but to the world, you feel good. If The Others are still piling on, that is WAY about them, and WAY NOT about you or whatever you did. That goes on THEIR therapy bill, not yours. They are showing a LOT of unattractive cards, and it is good for you to notice that.

Not Everybody Can Do This (Well, They CAN, but They’re Not GOING to…)

I know a lot of people (surprisingly, even a lot of really pretty SMART people, even a lot of people who fancy themselves very “spiritual”) who have some kind of narrative running that they can virtually never take responsibility for their behavior, or their response to yours. I don’t know what it is. It probably has to do with early childhood crap, or their first marriage, or who knows what. I don’t really care. I can see it in like three seconds. Like “Wow, you are going to take THAT tack? Really? Yes, I can see that that is EXACTLY what you are going to do…Wow…I would not have expected that from you…but there you go…”

So it goes. You can’t hang out with that one too long. They have stuff to work out. There is some kind of Rule in their Big Psyche that says you cannot ever be wrong about anything. Or that if their behaviors were untoward, that it was somehow “Spirit” that is the agent at work here. Or that they have to construct a narrative FAST that tells the world why it is the Other One’s Fault.

Wrong-o. Bad look. Developmentally, this is a very low flying disc, and if you hang out there, it is not a good thing. Move it on down the road, as the Bluesman once said. If you know people who characterologically want to find somebody else to blame, and who re-arrange the parts into a narrative of “The Other Guy Is AlwaysTo Blame, Not Me”, run like hell. Really. Bad place. They are swinging ball bats crazily in a small room, and you do not want to be in it. Period. Even if they LIKE you, the odds of getting smacked in the head are too great. And friendly fire still hurts, too.

Counseling/Coaching

A lot of clients (especially, but not always, couples) come in with an often less-than-conscious agenda to join with me to help them identify the Bad Rascals who are responsible for their discontent, pain, anger, boozing, lack of ambition, and bad behavior. “Surely, I would not have chosen this for MYSELF!!”

Usual line-up of suspects: Mom and Dad, the ex, the current partner, Trump (as has been mentioned), climate change, my stupid boss, the neighbor, what happened in 1961, what did NOT happen in 1961, my stupid teachers, the Micro-Aggressors, this crumby patriarchal culture, those lousy Republicans, those lousy Democrats, and on and on and on. Once we identify them, the two of us can team up to kick the crap out of those Bad Ones and show the world how it is NOT MY FAULT!!! 

Where’s the Power?

It may very well be true that one or more of those are guilty of bad behavior, but there is no Power in identifying that, really. We can do it, if you want. But the place where Evolution is going to take place is in you, the client. Yes, we can work on the system, and all that, but the real point of Power is in each of us. Some therapists (and Facebook, and your drinking buddies) will join you in a long-term round of  “Hey, Let’s Blame The Bad Guy”, and if you are looking for one of those therapists, they are not hard to find. They’re all over the place. It pays well. When you (the client) do not embrace your full power, but insist (with your therapist’s support and permission) on being a victim to the Bad Ones, therapy can go on for a million years, because you never cultivate the robustness to get back out there on your own. Blue Cross will pay for that forever. God bless Blue Cross, but that is not the path to empowerment. It’s just not. (If you are inclined to work for social change, that is a fine thing to do, but for me that is a separate issue. Some people feel differently. That’s also fine.) 

New Horizons, New Visions

While your situation may NOT be your “fault”, creating a NEW situation is most certainly your responsibility. (A GOOD Therapist or Coach can be there to help, of course…) Fault is not that interesting to me. Solutions, new possibilities, paths out of the woods, new visions for life—THOSE are VERY interesting to me. People who just want to hang out in their Victim Hoodie usually do not find my office, thank heavens. Maybe they read stuff like this and think “This guy’s a privileged jerk” and move on. I hope so.

Make no mistake–I fall into “It’s the other moron’s fault” hole twenty times a week. I do. I just have to realize it when I do, and take the proper actions to get out of it. Do you know the Portia Nelson poem “My Life in Five Chapters”? Google it when you are done here. Tape it to your refrigerator, or your forehead.

Conclusion

I hope that was helpful. I am not the Master of this stuff, but I know enough to know it is the High Road, even when I am cruising the Low Road in the moment. We can work on getting better at it. That’s all we can do.

If you want to set up a time to talk about all of this business, feel free to contact me. I am a Psychologist, and I like the Law of Attraction stuff, Positive Psychology, New Thought, and anything else that insists that I drive my own bus in life. I am also a licensed Counselor, and an Alcohol and Drug Counselor. I also call myself a Life Coach. The sentiments expressed in this piece are very Life Coach-y. I focus on your strengths, on possibilities, I honor the past, but do not set up altars to it and worship at its feet. I strive to identify ways for people to reach for the life they really want. I do all of that for myself, so you could say I am my own longest-standing client.

jamesmicknolan@gmail.com

505.699.7616 (Texting is recommended)

Drjamesmichaelnolan.com

Have a great day…If you do anything mean today, or stupid, well—you know what to do, right? Yeah, I thought so…

Warmly,

Jim

Honolulu, Hawai’i…

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